God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change
The courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Introduction
I participated in a Bearing Witness Retreat in Auschwitz, Poland from June 7-11, 2010. This was an inter-faith retreat organized by the Zen Peacemakers out of New York. I participated as an extension of my own Zen practice. There were about 150 people on the retreat from all over the world and the retreat was lead by Bernie Glassman (who started both this retreat and Zen street retreats). This post contains some impressions of my time at Auschwitz interspersed with my emails to Mitra while I was on the retreat. These are my experiences. I am not trying to speak for others.
Why did I participate in the Auschwitz retreat?
For many years, I have been drawn to the idea practicing of Zen Buddhism in a way that encompasses more than traditional practice (meditation, chanting, etc as practiced in the zendo). I have practiced with the Victoria Zen Centre for about six years now and it is important to me to compliment this traditional practice with other practices such as street retreats. For these types of practice, I have participated in retreats with the Zen Peacemakers out of NYC. I have done two street retreats - one in Vancouver and one in Victoria. I was speaking with the leader of those retreats about what to do next and he suggested that I attend the Auschwitz retreat.
Many participants attended this retreat because they have a more direct connection to the events at Auschwitz - family members that had died or family members that had been part of the SS. However, I do not have those kinds of connections. I attended because Genro suggested it to me.
First Letter to Mitra, Pre-retreat, June 6 (morning)
Hey there sweetie! I hope you had a good day traveling over to Salt Spring. How was it? Did the kids end up going to the Oak Bay tea party?
I am doing okay. I made it to Frankfurt on my own and then recognized Bernie Glassman waiting for the flight to Krakow. I went over and chatted with him and met two other folks from Zen Peacemakers - Eve and Ari. Fleet joined us as well (he was also on the same flight to Poland). Ari, Fleet, me and two others shared a cab into Krakow. The hotel is nice, but we couldn't check into our rooms because we were too early. I arrive about 10:30am and we couldn't check in until 2pm. So, I dropped off my bags and went with Ari to his hostel (there are 155 people participating in the retreat and so there wasn't enough room for everyone to stay at the same hotel in Krakow, however we will all be at the same place just outside Auschwitz).
At Ari's hostel, I met two other folks who will be on the retreat. Ari took a nap and I went to hang out in a local park, watch people and try to stay awake. After some time, I went for a walk and ended up bumping into the two folks that are staying with Ari at the hostel - Matt and Audra. We spent a very nice afternoon together.
The weather here is warm - not hot, but warm. You could see a lot of flooded fields when we flew in, but it seems rather dry where we have been. The boots that I brought are definitely too hot. I wish I had brought my crocs. Ah well. I picked up some sunglasses and sunscreen. I think that I will get a hat today as well.
I am staying right in the old town of Krakow. Yesterday afternoon I figured I should try to stay awake, so I stayed out with my new friends until 6pm. I didn't sleep on the plane over, so that meant that I was up for 27 hours straight! The old town hasn't changed much since the 1300s and there was little damage during WW2. You can tell the kids that it reminds me of Bowerstone in Fable 2. It has a very medieval sense to it. Yesterday we wandered around Old Town, took a tour, and had some great perogies and beet soup.
Krakow is the place where almost all of the events in the movie Schindler's List take place. This is the town that the real Oscar Schindler came to right after it was invaded by the Germans in 1939. Schindler's enamel factory is located in the industrial district of Krakow. The ghetto that you see liquidated in the movie is the Krakow ghetto that we visit at the start of the retreat tomorrow morning. The camp show in the movie was located close to his enamel factory in Krakow (but apparently it is just an open field now) and of course, Auschwitz is just a short distance from here. Spielberg even filmed the movie here.
I saw a note that they class lists for next year are up. Did you see them? Which classes do all three kids have?
I love you very much and I look forward to getting home and seeing you again. Give my love to our awesome kids!
XOXOXO
Eric
Second Letter to Mitra, Pre-retreat, June 6 (evening)
Great to hear from you!
It is 8:30pm for me, so about 11:30am your time. I just got back from dinner (Indian food). I have had a quiet day. I slept off and on last night - adjusting to the time change and excited/nervous about the retreat. Also the room that I am staying in is right above a bar. They had live music playing very loud until about 11pm last night and then there were people partying on the patio until 5am when the last of them left. Luckily, I am only in this room for two nights. Tomorrow I will be in the Dialogue Centre.
I spent some time reading a bunch of online resources as well. So much has happened in and around this city. Not just the death camps, but it is an old city which still looks pretty similar to how it did 500 years ago (at least in old town).
I took a long walk today. There is a big market square (the largest in medieval Europe). There is the third oldest university in Europe. There is a real castle and some of the castle walls still remain. Many of the walls were taken done and the moat was filled in during the mid-1800s. They replaced them with a strip of park all around the old city. It makes for a very pleasant walk around the city. This is a very touristy area, but a lot of the folks from Krakow enjoy coming here as well (I guess kind of like downtown for us). So, I walked around the city, explored on of the old wall's guard towers (massive place) and walked along the grounds of the castle. I bought a baseball hat, registered for the retreat and now I am going to finish the newest Robert Sawyer book that I got (on something of a Robert Sawyer kick right now), meditate and the go to bed. We meet at 7:45am tomorrow morning for the start of the tour.
I haven't seen Genro yet, but I think I am on the same bus with him tomorrow morning.
Have a great day sweetie!
BTW - good news about Dari and Alizeh's classes. Did you find out what class Kiran is in? Next year all three with be at South Park!
Love you!!!
My Dream at the Beginning
On the first day of the retreat, we toured the old Jewish quarter in Krakow and then drove to the place that we would stay in walking distance to Auschwitz. After we arrived, I took a short nap. During the nap I had a vivid dream in which members of an old culture that I didn't understand very well (conservative Jews) thanked me for coming and reached out and gave me this very sacred scroll, which was stored in a large cylinder made of white stone. The stone was old with small cracks at the top and bottom. There was a delicate white paint on the cylinder. It was chipped and peeling in places. They gave me this cylinder very gently and I took it and held it vertically in the middle of my chest. I hugged it to me and it dissolved into my body.
Third Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 2, June 8
Sweetie - hi there! Kiss!
Just taking a break between the second day program and the evening program - We spent yesterday in the old Jewish quarter in Krakow and then traveled to Auschwitz. Today we spent the day at Auschwitz and then spent some time at Birkenau. I am not sure what to say about it all yet. Today was a lot of information and I am just overloaded right now. It is okay... I just can't really put much into words. We have processing time (council and meditation) for each of the next three days, so I expect things will settle.
It is hot! Feeling very sweaty most of the time. I am glad that I got sunscreen and a hat.
There is no wireless internet here, so it is hard to get online. I love you very much!!!!!!!
Tell the kids that I love them!!!!!!!
Eric
Impressions from Auschwitz
Auschwitz Concentration Camp was actually made up of several different camps. The first camp is Auschwitz I. It is here that there is the famous sign over the entrance. "Work will set you free". Auschwitz I is at a scale that I could get my head around it. By that, I mean its physical size was something I could understand (not the horror, just the physical scale). But Birkenau is immense. This is the site of the selection platform where train after train would arrive with people to be selected. The passengers would go into two lines: women and children on one side and men on the other. Then the healthy people would be chosen to go into the camp (where they were worked to death with an average life expectancy of 3 months) and the rest went directly to the showers (gas chambers).
Birkenau is immense. It is so large. Half of the camp is an empty field now and the remaining part of the camp is still immense. When you stand on one end of the selection platform and look down to the other end, it is so far. It is huge. The selection platform is about 750 meters long! The camp could hold up to 100,000 prisoners. It was just so large to behold.
There are no stories of survivors from the gas chambers. There are survivors from Auschwitz, but the stories that I heard are all from people who were selected to work in the camps at Auschwitz and Birkenau. Some (few) of those people lived. No one who went to the gas chambers lived. The camp goal was for 80% of the people shipped to Auschwitz to go to the gas chambers and only 20% to go to work camps. The average life expectancy in the work camps was 3 months. No one quite knows how many people were killed in the camps, but most historians seem to agree with the number displayed at Auschwitz of 1.1 million people (400,000 of which were killed in just two months).
All of the pictures of the dead from Auschwitz show these starved corpses. The vast majority of people killed at Auschwitz were not starved first. They were shipped directly from the Jewish ghettos that had been set up across Nazi Europe and sent directly to the gas chambers. They didn't have time in the camps to starve to death. Many died the same day they arrived and their bodies were burnt.
One of the things that struck me about the systems that were set up at Auschwitz and Birkenau is how efficient they were. These were systems on a massive scale, from the setting up of the ghettos in many cities, to the train system for moving people to the camps, to the camps themselves and their cruel systems. Birkenau could process large numbers of people very quickly. At its peak, 400,000 Hungarian Jews were murdered in just two months. That is an average of 6.6 thousand people a day!
These Jews were brought to Birkenau, they were sorted and then selections of healthy workers were made. Those that were not selected were sent directly to the gas chambers. They were told that they were taking a shower and needed to undress. Then they were gassed. They could kill thousands each day. It took about 4-8 minutes for people to die from the gas, but the guards would leave the chamber shut for about 20 minutes. Then all of the clothes, shoes, etc were sorted. Also all of the luggage that had been left on the sorting platform was collected and sorted.
This was a complicated and efficient process up to the point that the prisoners were murdered. However, the process seemed to me to break at that point. They could murder people in far greater numbers than they could dispose of their bodies. Disposal time was the choke point in the process, not murder time. For all of the efficiency that was clearly designed into the system, the efficiency seems to end with the deaths of those that the Nazis wanted murdered. It is all so insane.
Forth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 3, June 9
Hey there sweetie - the theme for today was HOT! It was a good day, but boy was it hot. We did council this morning and then 2 sits on the selection track at Birkenau, religious service (I attended the Buddhist one), soup lunch outside Birkenau and then a third sit in the sun. We then did a closing ceremony. It was really good. I really appreciated just sitting and not being rushed about to see another site (which is what the last two days were like).
I am sorry to hear that D and A are sick. It never fails, eh? One of us goes away and something happens with at least one of the kids!
I hope you are well. Don't worry about me. This has been a very positive experience so far (hopefully I haven't jinxed it!).
I love you. You are in my heart.
Give my love and hugs to the kids!
Eric
Chanting the Names of the Dead
When we meditated on the selection platform, sometimes it was done in silence and sometimes groups of people would read lists of names for people who died at Auschwitz. Many of the names seemed very unusual to me. I would listen and they would flow past like a Zen chant in Japanese. However, every now and then there would be a name that was very familiar. Occasionally there would be a last name of someone that I knew well. My first name was read. When these things happened, it was like a fishing hook going into my body and pulling me into the stones that cover the selection platform. I was bound to this place.
Language of Abuse
The language the Germans used was the language of abuse. Often there was a hint of hope in the language or an attempt to legitimize horrible and illegitimate behavior. When the Germans set up the Jewish ghetto in Krakow, they said it was for health reasons. Jews were carriers of disease and it would be healthier for the Polish population of Krakow if all of the Jews were segregated. Based on this reason, 15,000 people were crammed into a section of the city where 3,000 people used to live. They lived in poverty without enough food or water. But all of this was for health reasons and in the best interests of everyone.
When the Germans liquidated the Krakow ghetto, they put up notices. I read the text of the notice (in translation) and at no time does it mention the liquidation of the ghetto.
The Germans sold train tickets for Auschwitz to some of the people that they sent there. This was a way of legitimizing the trip.
When people arrived at the selection platform, they were told to leave their luggage on the platform with their names clearly marked on the luggage to make sure that they could find their luggage again after their shower. The changing room before the gas chamber had numbers above the hooks - make sure to remember your number so that you could retrieve your clothes from your hook after your shower.
The Germans would talk about resettlement and showers, not death camps or gas chambers. As many know, the gas chamber even had fake shower heads.
So much abuse uses language to minimize, hide or legitimize the abuse.
Fifth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 4, June 10
Hi,
Doing well. Still very hot. I am red after today, but I don't think I am sunburned. I have been using lots of sunscreen and drinking lots of water. The place we are staying doesn't have any warm water much of the time, but ice cold showers at the end of the day are nice. Our daily walk is 30 min each way. My feet are getting a few more blisters each day. Luckily, there is a doctor who has lots of band-aids. Thankfully nothing is too bad.
I am sorry to hear that all of the kids are sick now. Perhaps they are a little better today. It is almost dinner time now. After dinner, we will have an evening session (usually until 10pm or so).
Genro has been very busy - he is kind of like the Shoji for this retreat. I would like to chat with him, but so would many other people.
We meditated on the selection platform for two periods today. I had a turn reading names of people who died here. I was nervous but it went fine. After lunch outside the gates, we meditated and other people read names inside one of the barracks at Birkenau.
I came here thinking that this would be a retreat about the experience of genocide across the world held at Auschwitz, but what I have found is a retreat about the genocide at Auschwitz. It is much more rooted in this place, this soil and these issues that echo today. There are many Jews and Germans and much discussion of Israel. There is even one Arab and discussion about how the "west" didn't want the Jews and pushed them on the Arabs. How this site is so powerful and different groups and nations use that power towards different ends. Auschwitz proves that we should be more peaceful and that war is wrong. Auschwitz proves that you need a strong military force to guard you and sometimes violence is necessary.
So many issues for me to hear. I have learned a great deal and made some good new friends. It is not what I expected, but it has been good.
Enough writing for now. I love you and hold you in my thoughts. Thank you for giving me the support and freedom to do this. I really appreciate it.
Give the kids my love and hugs and kisses!
Sei-in
Innocence
There is blood on everyone's hands.
Survivors who escaped meant the death of prisoners who remained as examples to others. Any time people escaped the camp, the guards would kill some (I heard 10) of the prisoners who were left. Each escape by one of those survivors is held up as a heroic act, but it also meant the death of fellow prisoners.
Survivors who were rescued by the Red Army often had to do horrible things to survive while they had been in the camps. One of the survivors was forced to run in a large circle as fast as possible. He said that hundreds of them were being forced to run and that those who were weak and fell down were trampled. The SS wouldn't let them stop running. He didn't stop running. He trampled people to death.
Fifty years later, he was finally able to talk about this and asked his priest: "Am I a murderer? I didn't stop running. Am I a murderer?"
No place for innocence in Auschwitz.
If you were a Pole during the occupation, you could take the tram through the Jewish ghetto and see what was happening. If you lived next to Auschwitz, you could smell a sweet smoke. Poland talks about Poles (meaning Christians) and Jews (Polish Jews). They don't talk about all people as "Poles". This has gone on for hundreds of years. I can't recall the exact date, but five hundred years or so ago, the king in Krakow moved all of the Jewish people out of Krakow and set up a Jewish district just for Jewish people. There was even an entrance into the walled city of Krakow called "the Jewish Gate".
I heard that other countries hid more of their Jewish population during WWII. As a result, more of their Jewish population survived. However, I haven't checked to see of this is true. I have also heard that Switzerland turned away Jewish refuges at their boarders, while claiming neutrality in the conflict.
I read that the Allies received many reports that talked about what was happening (including photos as proof) in Auschwitz. These were smuggled out from the camps. The Allies knew what was happening. However, it was not a military objective to stop what was happening.
I wonder to myself what my own Zen lineage was doing in Japan during WWII. We were certainly not assisting the Allies.
And the pattern existed before the Holocaust... I think of the First Nations and their planned cultural genocide. I think of the thousands of First Nations who died over a two year period in Victoria as a result of a small pox epidemic.
The pattern continues through history from before the Holocaust through to today. I am 41 as I write this and how many genocide have happened in my lifetime? Five? Ten? How any of these genocides did Canada ignore? How many have I ignored?
Sixth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 5, June 11
Hey sweetie,
It is morning here. We are just waiting to go to Birkenau for the last day of sitting and service. It looks like it will be really hot. I am wearing my grey pj pants instead of jeans because they are lighter. I feel a little self conscious but by the last day of retreats like these, anything seems to go.
Last night was hard. I was in an okay space when I went to bed, but in the night... ah.... a hard night. I dreamt of bodies - rooms of bodies - white bodies like your pictures from Rwanda.
There are seven of us sharing the room together. Two nights ago, someone yelled out in the middle of the night a sentence in German. Last night, there was a scream from one of the people in the room. A scream in the darkness. In the morning, several people remember the scream, but no one remembers doing it, so I don't know who it was.
There is so much pain here and last night that pain flooded me. I woke up with all of the covers pushed on the side of me. It was like sharing the bed with someone, like someone next to me. An image flashed through my mind - it was like sleeping in the camps, where people must have screamed out in the night. Where they slept two to a bed and often the person next to you would die in the night. When there was roll call, you would need to take the person out to be counted. I heard a survivor say that it didn't make whether you were alive or dead, it only matters that the count is correct. That was where I woke up this morning - feeling that there was a dead body in bed next to me… someone who had died in the night.
------
I am back from the day now and I can write some more.
We have council first thing in the morning. I thought about talking about my night when I arrived at council. I was feeling very fragile and open. However when I got the talking piece, what came out was describing some details about when I was abused in the shower as a kid. It was the first time that I have shared those details with a group of people. I felt lighter afterward. It was a good group of people to share this with.
The day was heavy today. It was really really hot (very unusual for this spot in Poland). I drank 4L of water at the site today and I have almost finished a liter of powerade back at the Dialogue Centre. I had quite a headache when I got back today, but I am feeling better now.
Back to the day... we meditated on the selection platform again today. Then we did a variety of services through the day. Lots of feelings came up and moved through me. I just didn't realize all of the perspectives on this place. I have learned so much about these perspectives. There is a rabbi here that I have really enjoyed listening to. He does great sermons (with lots of singing and joy!). At one point today he told a story about two lovers who were separated in the camp. They both ended up living, but didn't reconnect until they were old. Then the rabbi was joined by his wife and together they led everyone in a wonderful song about lover and lovers. I had my eyes closed and I could see you so clearly in front of me - so beautiful and wonderful. You were so clear. I love you and I am so happy with you. Thank you for being with me.
Now I am back at the Dialogue Centre. It is good to be clean, showered and sitting in a comfy chair. If only I could also have a cold beer...
Tomorrow I head into Krakow. Some of my new friends are also leaving on Sunday, so we are going to hang out on Saturday. And then I will start the trip home :-)
I am really looking forward to seeing you and the kids. I think it will be wonderful to celebrate Alizeh's bday on Monday.
I hope you are well and that the kids are getting better.
Eric
The courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Introduction
I participated in a Bearing Witness Retreat in Auschwitz, Poland from June 7-11, 2010. This was an inter-faith retreat organized by the Zen Peacemakers out of New York. I participated as an extension of my own Zen practice. There were about 150 people on the retreat from all over the world and the retreat was lead by Bernie Glassman (who started both this retreat and Zen street retreats). This post contains some impressions of my time at Auschwitz interspersed with my emails to Mitra while I was on the retreat. These are my experiences. I am not trying to speak for others.
Why did I participate in the Auschwitz retreat?
For many years, I have been drawn to the idea practicing of Zen Buddhism in a way that encompasses more than traditional practice (meditation, chanting, etc as practiced in the zendo). I have practiced with the Victoria Zen Centre for about six years now and it is important to me to compliment this traditional practice with other practices such as street retreats. For these types of practice, I have participated in retreats with the Zen Peacemakers out of NYC. I have done two street retreats - one in Vancouver and one in Victoria. I was speaking with the leader of those retreats about what to do next and he suggested that I attend the Auschwitz retreat.
Many participants attended this retreat because they have a more direct connection to the events at Auschwitz - family members that had died or family members that had been part of the SS. However, I do not have those kinds of connections. I attended because Genro suggested it to me.
First Letter to Mitra, Pre-retreat, June 6 (morning)
Hey there sweetie! I hope you had a good day traveling over to Salt Spring. How was it? Did the kids end up going to the Oak Bay tea party?
I am doing okay. I made it to Frankfurt on my own and then recognized Bernie Glassman waiting for the flight to Krakow. I went over and chatted with him and met two other folks from Zen Peacemakers - Eve and Ari. Fleet joined us as well (he was also on the same flight to Poland). Ari, Fleet, me and two others shared a cab into Krakow. The hotel is nice, but we couldn't check into our rooms because we were too early. I arrive about 10:30am and we couldn't check in until 2pm. So, I dropped off my bags and went with Ari to his hostel (there are 155 people participating in the retreat and so there wasn't enough room for everyone to stay at the same hotel in Krakow, however we will all be at the same place just outside Auschwitz).
At Ari's hostel, I met two other folks who will be on the retreat. Ari took a nap and I went to hang out in a local park, watch people and try to stay awake. After some time, I went for a walk and ended up bumping into the two folks that are staying with Ari at the hostel - Matt and Audra. We spent a very nice afternoon together.
The weather here is warm - not hot, but warm. You could see a lot of flooded fields when we flew in, but it seems rather dry where we have been. The boots that I brought are definitely too hot. I wish I had brought my crocs. Ah well. I picked up some sunglasses and sunscreen. I think that I will get a hat today as well.
I am staying right in the old town of Krakow. Yesterday afternoon I figured I should try to stay awake, so I stayed out with my new friends until 6pm. I didn't sleep on the plane over, so that meant that I was up for 27 hours straight! The old town hasn't changed much since the 1300s and there was little damage during WW2. You can tell the kids that it reminds me of Bowerstone in Fable 2. It has a very medieval sense to it. Yesterday we wandered around Old Town, took a tour, and had some great perogies and beet soup.
Krakow is the place where almost all of the events in the movie Schindler's List take place. This is the town that the real Oscar Schindler came to right after it was invaded by the Germans in 1939. Schindler's enamel factory is located in the industrial district of Krakow. The ghetto that you see liquidated in the movie is the Krakow ghetto that we visit at the start of the retreat tomorrow morning. The camp show in the movie was located close to his enamel factory in Krakow (but apparently it is just an open field now) and of course, Auschwitz is just a short distance from here. Spielberg even filmed the movie here.
I saw a note that they class lists for next year are up. Did you see them? Which classes do all three kids have?
I love you very much and I look forward to getting home and seeing you again. Give my love to our awesome kids!
XOXOXO
Eric
Second Letter to Mitra, Pre-retreat, June 6 (evening)
Great to hear from you!
It is 8:30pm for me, so about 11:30am your time. I just got back from dinner (Indian food). I have had a quiet day. I slept off and on last night - adjusting to the time change and excited/nervous about the retreat. Also the room that I am staying in is right above a bar. They had live music playing very loud until about 11pm last night and then there were people partying on the patio until 5am when the last of them left. Luckily, I am only in this room for two nights. Tomorrow I will be in the Dialogue Centre.
I spent some time reading a bunch of online resources as well. So much has happened in and around this city. Not just the death camps, but it is an old city which still looks pretty similar to how it did 500 years ago (at least in old town).
I took a long walk today. There is a big market square (the largest in medieval Europe). There is the third oldest university in Europe. There is a real castle and some of the castle walls still remain. Many of the walls were taken done and the moat was filled in during the mid-1800s. They replaced them with a strip of park all around the old city. It makes for a very pleasant walk around the city. This is a very touristy area, but a lot of the folks from Krakow enjoy coming here as well (I guess kind of like downtown for us). So, I walked around the city, explored on of the old wall's guard towers (massive place) and walked along the grounds of the castle. I bought a baseball hat, registered for the retreat and now I am going to finish the newest Robert Sawyer book that I got (on something of a Robert Sawyer kick right now), meditate and the go to bed. We meet at 7:45am tomorrow morning for the start of the tour.
I haven't seen Genro yet, but I think I am on the same bus with him tomorrow morning.
Have a great day sweetie!
BTW - good news about Dari and Alizeh's classes. Did you find out what class Kiran is in? Next year all three with be at South Park!
Love you!!!
My Dream at the Beginning
On the first day of the retreat, we toured the old Jewish quarter in Krakow and then drove to the place that we would stay in walking distance to Auschwitz. After we arrived, I took a short nap. During the nap I had a vivid dream in which members of an old culture that I didn't understand very well (conservative Jews) thanked me for coming and reached out and gave me this very sacred scroll, which was stored in a large cylinder made of white stone. The stone was old with small cracks at the top and bottom. There was a delicate white paint on the cylinder. It was chipped and peeling in places. They gave me this cylinder very gently and I took it and held it vertically in the middle of my chest. I hugged it to me and it dissolved into my body.
Third Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 2, June 8
Sweetie - hi there! Kiss!
Just taking a break between the second day program and the evening program - We spent yesterday in the old Jewish quarter in Krakow and then traveled to Auschwitz. Today we spent the day at Auschwitz and then spent some time at Birkenau. I am not sure what to say about it all yet. Today was a lot of information and I am just overloaded right now. It is okay... I just can't really put much into words. We have processing time (council and meditation) for each of the next three days, so I expect things will settle.
It is hot! Feeling very sweaty most of the time. I am glad that I got sunscreen and a hat.
There is no wireless internet here, so it is hard to get online. I love you very much!!!!!!!
Tell the kids that I love them!!!!!!!
Eric
Impressions from Auschwitz
Auschwitz Concentration Camp was actually made up of several different camps. The first camp is Auschwitz I. It is here that there is the famous sign over the entrance. "Work will set you free". Auschwitz I is at a scale that I could get my head around it. By that, I mean its physical size was something I could understand (not the horror, just the physical scale). But Birkenau is immense. This is the site of the selection platform where train after train would arrive with people to be selected. The passengers would go into two lines: women and children on one side and men on the other. Then the healthy people would be chosen to go into the camp (where they were worked to death with an average life expectancy of 3 months) and the rest went directly to the showers (gas chambers).
Birkenau is immense. It is so large. Half of the camp is an empty field now and the remaining part of the camp is still immense. When you stand on one end of the selection platform and look down to the other end, it is so far. It is huge. The selection platform is about 750 meters long! The camp could hold up to 100,000 prisoners. It was just so large to behold.
There are no stories of survivors from the gas chambers. There are survivors from Auschwitz, but the stories that I heard are all from people who were selected to work in the camps at Auschwitz and Birkenau. Some (few) of those people lived. No one who went to the gas chambers lived. The camp goal was for 80% of the people shipped to Auschwitz to go to the gas chambers and only 20% to go to work camps. The average life expectancy in the work camps was 3 months. No one quite knows how many people were killed in the camps, but most historians seem to agree with the number displayed at Auschwitz of 1.1 million people (400,000 of which were killed in just two months).
All of the pictures of the dead from Auschwitz show these starved corpses. The vast majority of people killed at Auschwitz were not starved first. They were shipped directly from the Jewish ghettos that had been set up across Nazi Europe and sent directly to the gas chambers. They didn't have time in the camps to starve to death. Many died the same day they arrived and their bodies were burnt.
One of the things that struck me about the systems that were set up at Auschwitz and Birkenau is how efficient they were. These were systems on a massive scale, from the setting up of the ghettos in many cities, to the train system for moving people to the camps, to the camps themselves and their cruel systems. Birkenau could process large numbers of people very quickly. At its peak, 400,000 Hungarian Jews were murdered in just two months. That is an average of 6.6 thousand people a day!
These Jews were brought to Birkenau, they were sorted and then selections of healthy workers were made. Those that were not selected were sent directly to the gas chambers. They were told that they were taking a shower and needed to undress. Then they were gassed. They could kill thousands each day. It took about 4-8 minutes for people to die from the gas, but the guards would leave the chamber shut for about 20 minutes. Then all of the clothes, shoes, etc were sorted. Also all of the luggage that had been left on the sorting platform was collected and sorted.
This was a complicated and efficient process up to the point that the prisoners were murdered. However, the process seemed to me to break at that point. They could murder people in far greater numbers than they could dispose of their bodies. Disposal time was the choke point in the process, not murder time. For all of the efficiency that was clearly designed into the system, the efficiency seems to end with the deaths of those that the Nazis wanted murdered. It is all so insane.
Forth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 3, June 9
Hey there sweetie - the theme for today was HOT! It was a good day, but boy was it hot. We did council this morning and then 2 sits on the selection track at Birkenau, religious service (I attended the Buddhist one), soup lunch outside Birkenau and then a third sit in the sun. We then did a closing ceremony. It was really good. I really appreciated just sitting and not being rushed about to see another site (which is what the last two days were like).
I am sorry to hear that D and A are sick. It never fails, eh? One of us goes away and something happens with at least one of the kids!
I hope you are well. Don't worry about me. This has been a very positive experience so far (hopefully I haven't jinxed it!).
I love you. You are in my heart.
Give my love and hugs to the kids!
Eric
Chanting the Names of the Dead
When we meditated on the selection platform, sometimes it was done in silence and sometimes groups of people would read lists of names for people who died at Auschwitz. Many of the names seemed very unusual to me. I would listen and they would flow past like a Zen chant in Japanese. However, every now and then there would be a name that was very familiar. Occasionally there would be a last name of someone that I knew well. My first name was read. When these things happened, it was like a fishing hook going into my body and pulling me into the stones that cover the selection platform. I was bound to this place.
Language of Abuse
The language the Germans used was the language of abuse. Often there was a hint of hope in the language or an attempt to legitimize horrible and illegitimate behavior. When the Germans set up the Jewish ghetto in Krakow, they said it was for health reasons. Jews were carriers of disease and it would be healthier for the Polish population of Krakow if all of the Jews were segregated. Based on this reason, 15,000 people were crammed into a section of the city where 3,000 people used to live. They lived in poverty without enough food or water. But all of this was for health reasons and in the best interests of everyone.
When the Germans liquidated the Krakow ghetto, they put up notices. I read the text of the notice (in translation) and at no time does it mention the liquidation of the ghetto.
The Germans sold train tickets for Auschwitz to some of the people that they sent there. This was a way of legitimizing the trip.
When people arrived at the selection platform, they were told to leave their luggage on the platform with their names clearly marked on the luggage to make sure that they could find their luggage again after their shower. The changing room before the gas chamber had numbers above the hooks - make sure to remember your number so that you could retrieve your clothes from your hook after your shower.
The Germans would talk about resettlement and showers, not death camps or gas chambers. As many know, the gas chamber even had fake shower heads.
So much abuse uses language to minimize, hide or legitimize the abuse.
Fifth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 4, June 10
Hi,
Doing well. Still very hot. I am red after today, but I don't think I am sunburned. I have been using lots of sunscreen and drinking lots of water. The place we are staying doesn't have any warm water much of the time, but ice cold showers at the end of the day are nice. Our daily walk is 30 min each way. My feet are getting a few more blisters each day. Luckily, there is a doctor who has lots of band-aids. Thankfully nothing is too bad.
I am sorry to hear that all of the kids are sick now. Perhaps they are a little better today. It is almost dinner time now. After dinner, we will have an evening session (usually until 10pm or so).
Genro has been very busy - he is kind of like the Shoji for this retreat. I would like to chat with him, but so would many other people.
We meditated on the selection platform for two periods today. I had a turn reading names of people who died here. I was nervous but it went fine. After lunch outside the gates, we meditated and other people read names inside one of the barracks at Birkenau.
I came here thinking that this would be a retreat about the experience of genocide across the world held at Auschwitz, but what I have found is a retreat about the genocide at Auschwitz. It is much more rooted in this place, this soil and these issues that echo today. There are many Jews and Germans and much discussion of Israel. There is even one Arab and discussion about how the "west" didn't want the Jews and pushed them on the Arabs. How this site is so powerful and different groups and nations use that power towards different ends. Auschwitz proves that we should be more peaceful and that war is wrong. Auschwitz proves that you need a strong military force to guard you and sometimes violence is necessary.
So many issues for me to hear. I have learned a great deal and made some good new friends. It is not what I expected, but it has been good.
Enough writing for now. I love you and hold you in my thoughts. Thank you for giving me the support and freedom to do this. I really appreciate it.
Give the kids my love and hugs and kisses!
Sei-in
Innocence
There is blood on everyone's hands.
Survivors who escaped meant the death of prisoners who remained as examples to others. Any time people escaped the camp, the guards would kill some (I heard 10) of the prisoners who were left. Each escape by one of those survivors is held up as a heroic act, but it also meant the death of fellow prisoners.
Survivors who were rescued by the Red Army often had to do horrible things to survive while they had been in the camps. One of the survivors was forced to run in a large circle as fast as possible. He said that hundreds of them were being forced to run and that those who were weak and fell down were trampled. The SS wouldn't let them stop running. He didn't stop running. He trampled people to death.
Fifty years later, he was finally able to talk about this and asked his priest: "Am I a murderer? I didn't stop running. Am I a murderer?"
No place for innocence in Auschwitz.
If you were a Pole during the occupation, you could take the tram through the Jewish ghetto and see what was happening. If you lived next to Auschwitz, you could smell a sweet smoke. Poland talks about Poles (meaning Christians) and Jews (Polish Jews). They don't talk about all people as "Poles". This has gone on for hundreds of years. I can't recall the exact date, but five hundred years or so ago, the king in Krakow moved all of the Jewish people out of Krakow and set up a Jewish district just for Jewish people. There was even an entrance into the walled city of Krakow called "the Jewish Gate".
I heard that other countries hid more of their Jewish population during WWII. As a result, more of their Jewish population survived. However, I haven't checked to see of this is true. I have also heard that Switzerland turned away Jewish refuges at their boarders, while claiming neutrality in the conflict.
I read that the Allies received many reports that talked about what was happening (including photos as proof) in Auschwitz. These were smuggled out from the camps. The Allies knew what was happening. However, it was not a military objective to stop what was happening.
I wonder to myself what my own Zen lineage was doing in Japan during WWII. We were certainly not assisting the Allies.
And the pattern existed before the Holocaust... I think of the First Nations and their planned cultural genocide. I think of the thousands of First Nations who died over a two year period in Victoria as a result of a small pox epidemic.
The pattern continues through history from before the Holocaust through to today. I am 41 as I write this and how many genocide have happened in my lifetime? Five? Ten? How any of these genocides did Canada ignore? How many have I ignored?
Sixth Letter to Mitra, Retreat Day 5, June 11
Hey sweetie,
It is morning here. We are just waiting to go to Birkenau for the last day of sitting and service. It looks like it will be really hot. I am wearing my grey pj pants instead of jeans because they are lighter. I feel a little self conscious but by the last day of retreats like these, anything seems to go.
Last night was hard. I was in an okay space when I went to bed, but in the night... ah.... a hard night. I dreamt of bodies - rooms of bodies - white bodies like your pictures from Rwanda.
There are seven of us sharing the room together. Two nights ago, someone yelled out in the middle of the night a sentence in German. Last night, there was a scream from one of the people in the room. A scream in the darkness. In the morning, several people remember the scream, but no one remembers doing it, so I don't know who it was.
There is so much pain here and last night that pain flooded me. I woke up with all of the covers pushed on the side of me. It was like sharing the bed with someone, like someone next to me. An image flashed through my mind - it was like sleeping in the camps, where people must have screamed out in the night. Where they slept two to a bed and often the person next to you would die in the night. When there was roll call, you would need to take the person out to be counted. I heard a survivor say that it didn't make whether you were alive or dead, it only matters that the count is correct. That was where I woke up this morning - feeling that there was a dead body in bed next to me… someone who had died in the night.
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I am back from the day now and I can write some more.
We have council first thing in the morning. I thought about talking about my night when I arrived at council. I was feeling very fragile and open. However when I got the talking piece, what came out was describing some details about when I was abused in the shower as a kid. It was the first time that I have shared those details with a group of people. I felt lighter afterward. It was a good group of people to share this with.
The day was heavy today. It was really really hot (very unusual for this spot in Poland). I drank 4L of water at the site today and I have almost finished a liter of powerade back at the Dialogue Centre. I had quite a headache when I got back today, but I am feeling better now.
Back to the day... we meditated on the selection platform again today. Then we did a variety of services through the day. Lots of feelings came up and moved through me. I just didn't realize all of the perspectives on this place. I have learned so much about these perspectives. There is a rabbi here that I have really enjoyed listening to. He does great sermons (with lots of singing and joy!). At one point today he told a story about two lovers who were separated in the camp. They both ended up living, but didn't reconnect until they were old. Then the rabbi was joined by his wife and together they led everyone in a wonderful song about lover and lovers. I had my eyes closed and I could see you so clearly in front of me - so beautiful and wonderful. You were so clear. I love you and I am so happy with you. Thank you for being with me.
Now I am back at the Dialogue Centre. It is good to be clean, showered and sitting in a comfy chair. If only I could also have a cold beer...
Tomorrow I head into Krakow. Some of my new friends are also leaving on Sunday, so we are going to hang out on Saturday. And then I will start the trip home :-)
I am really looking forward to seeing you and the kids. I think it will be wonderful to celebrate Alizeh's bday on Monday.
I hope you are well and that the kids are getting better.
Eric
My Roommates
When I checked into my room for the retreat, I was surprised to find that I was sharing the room with six other guys. Folks in the room were from the US, Germany, Poland, Israel and Canada. We were connected through our mutual interest in Zen and our participation in the retreat. It was awesome. Almost everyone snored (including me!). It seemed like an army barracks (at least the image that I have of army barracks drawn from movies): a bunch of guys going through some difficult experiences, sharing and watching out for each other. It was a real joy to get to share that kind of energy. I hadn't expected it on this retreat and realized how much I missed it in my daily life. It is ironic that while attending an Auschwitz retreat, I would enjoy being in a setting that seems to me like an army barracks (which would put myself and my roommates in the roles of soldiers).
The Heat
It was very hot at Auschwitz during the retreat. It was summer, but the weather was much hotter than normal for this time of year. We had temperatures of up to 94•F. In the early morning of the last day of the retreat I could feel the heat on my skin from meditating outside on the selection platform. I had been wearing a lot of sunscreen, but I was still slightly sun burnt. It felt like the dust, dirt and ash of Auschwitz had been baked into my skin and would never come out. It was part of me now, baked on and permanent.
